Apr 30, 2008

Gotta get paid son

So I was sitting on campus today and I was trying to think of a book to write since I need to find a way to pay for med school and all. At first I wanted to do something like a self help book to take advantage of people with low self esteem and money. But then that is a pretty saturated market with competition from everything from famous authors, trophy wives, and Miss Cleo. Then I thought about how funny I am (its true, no need to tell me, but thanks) and maybe I could do something to a humorous effect. Books aren't funny though, and I want to make enough money to get through school without actually working for it so that idea faded too. I thought about stand up comedy, but I don't like standing for very long, and you don't hear about sit down comedy or even little spoon comedy very often, and those are my favorite bodily alignments.
Then it hit me, drug dealing... I am gonna be a doctor anyways why not practice ahead of time right? Plus since I work in the emergency room and we have lots of people coming in seeking rehab I could get a a great client base going. And as it turns out there is lot more information on the internet (almost 4 milliion) on how to stop drug dealers than instructions like I would need. Well after some research I found out that there is a lot more to being a "street hardened criminal" than meets the eye. Besides, I don't even know what kind of drugs to sell, I was thinking something hardcore like Peruvian AK-47 or Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake. Yeah I know what you're thinking: "those aren't even real drugs" and you would be right. I could have tried to sell some hard drugs, but I'd have to sneak them over the border and I am not too good at swallowing things for muling.
Then I thought I might be able to patent something that hasn't been yet, the only thing is that patenting things is hard work. Here is a list of idea I have for patents and new products/services:

  • Get high when down: Agency for getting coma patients high, if in CA we can bill your insurance. If successful we could start the offshoot Comatose LSD LLC. This actually might be a charity if I ever become rich... A man can dream.
  • Stalker Stalkers (tm): Fighting fire with fire. Leaves "loving" messages and notes. Makes your stalker feel truly cared for, staffed by ex-cons (they know the law, they are scary, and they could use the good job reference). Additional online packages optional. Hiring strategic management, art and computer science majors a plus.
  • Sinometer: Tells you how much you have sinned, comes in different models ranging from Muslim extremist(watch where you show those ankles!), Catholic (meat on friday=damnation), all the way up to Rastafarian(hey pass to the left, the LEFT).
  • Cellphone Bluetooth Headset Jamming Device: Because I am tired of thinking that person is talking to their self. It is weird. Comes with optional shocking application.
  • Kiddie Tranq Dart Gun (or possibly prod): I would call it "Nap NOW!" and market it to rich suburban soccer moms and it you can even accessorize it so it matches your Ipod and Blackberry. A combination insulin pump / remote control device may work too, substitute ketamine for the insulin. Id even carry one for annoying kids at the mall.
One of these has got to make enough money for med school, I mean its only like a hundred large to go. Let me know which one is the best and I will make a sweet brochure for it. If you come up with a better idea to pay for professional school I'd like to hear it.

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